Different Shades of Red
by lille082
Summary: Set sometime early in season 7. Slight AU. Willow and Spike find solace in each other. Trigger warning: Self mutilation.


Summary: Somewhat AU Season 7. Two people haunted by the past year's events. They find solace in each other. Spike/Willow

Disclaimer - I own nothing.

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Different Shades of Red

She smiled as she shifted against his chest. Images played in her mind, dreams haunting her sleep. He slowly ran a hand through her hair and smiled. He smiled for what she was, what she meant to him.

When he had first met her, he was brought back to his days of hunting in the winters. She brought back the memories of blood on newly fallen snow, with her crimson hair and pale complexion. She reminded him of all the people he had slain in those times. The people in the alleys of small towns scattered across Europe. The people, masses really, killed in the snow-covered hills. When he looked at her he could almost taste their blood again.

The longing never left him. The desire for her to be one of his kind. One with him. But he know that she would never . . .she could never. She could never become what he is. She would never stoop that low.

He was brought out of his thoughts when she moaned in her sleep. He whispered a few comforting words in her ear and rubbed small circles in her back. His fingers curled around a small strand of hair and he smiled again.

He had wanted her so badly, she was everything to him. No one knew, but without her, he'd be nothing.

But what kept him from ever telling her this? It was the fact that he knew she could never love him back. She was incapable of love. Told him this before . . .mumbled it in her sleep. But he knew it was much more than that.

She was scared. She was afraid of him, always had been. He could smell her fear a mile away, but always had to smile at the mask she wore when she was around him.

She still cried for Tara in her sleep. He still cried when he was alone, willing the voices to go away.

She had come to him one lonely night in the winter.

Crying, drunk, and tired, she didn't care. She told him that he was the only one who really understood. Understood what she was going through. He had lost a lover, and would've gone at any lengths to get her back.

He nodded in shock as she threw herself into his arms, and cried into his shoulder. He had been to the place that she had too. The darkness still was in him still; she said she could feel it.

He had offered her a place to stay. To stay the night, knowing it wasn't safe for her to be on her own. He knew what she could've done to her self. She had declined, but he had practically begged her.

She fell asleep in his arms that night, and he felt like she was filling the void that had always been there.

She never told him what was going on inside that cute little head of hers, but he was dying to know. To know what she was thinking, what she was feeling. But she never told him.

He sighed as he felt the sting of rejection hit him again. He had always felt it when he was around her. And he never knew why.

She groaned in her sleep and he moved his hand to the small of her back.

He ran a single finger over the bite mark on her shoulder. He hadn't turned her, although he could've. He marked her as forever his. His Red. He smiled at the thought of them being together.

What he had gone through with Buffy wasn't love, he realized. It was pain. He had been obsessed with the pain she made him feel, and he wanted it. He craved it. He had never really loved her, just wanted her. Wanted to bring her down, wanted to make her feel what he was feeling, make her burn.

What he was going through with Willow was entirely different. She was gentle and caring, but inside she held a fire that no one else had seen.

The sex with Buffy had been rough, both taking what they wanted.

The sex with Willow was intoxicating, like he couldn't get enough of her.

They were both hurting, both dying slowly inside because of what they had done. Both had reacted from losing the person they thought they loved. They had lost a lover and needed someone else. They found the same pain, the same growing need in each other.

He looking into the face of the angel in his arms and was met with bright green eyes.

"Morning, luv." He smiled at her.

"Morning." She said, yawning.

She slowly got out of the bed and stood up.

"Thank you, Willow." He said sincerely after her.

She looked down at him as he propped himself on one elbow.

"Thank you, William."

She slowly walked upstairs and closed the door behind her.

He smiled and leaned back against the bed again.

He knew when she walked through that door, she put on another one of her masks. No one else could tell but he could see it. And he knew that later the night she'd crawl back into his arms.

He waited for her with a smile on his face.

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She looked up at the man whose cool arms were wrapped around her. The dim light shining above them accented his cheekbones and she saw his eyelashes flitter.

She closed her eyes and groaned softly. Muscles hurt she wasn't aware she had. She felt his hand move to the small of her back and she sighed.

She still remembered the night he had saved her. She remembered waking up in his arms. She had felt different, she still did even now.

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When Tara died, she had found herself lost and alone. She remembered the first night she had gone to the Bronze. She had started out with a gin and tonic. Each night she went back and drank more. One night, tired, alone, and done with life, she had bought a bottle of whiskey from the liquor store.

Wandering around the cemetery, sitting on the headstones and drinking, she had been vulnerable. She laughed at the vampire that had come up behind her and attacked. She made no effort to stop him from biting her. She slowly drew shaky breaths and closed her eyes, coughing as she choked on dust. She felt herself fall to the cold hard ground, dust settling around her.

She slowly looked up at her savior, the familiar scent of leather and tobacco penetrating her senses. A tear slowly fell down her cheek and he frowned, wiping it away. She felt his cool fingers against the rough puncture wounds on her neck, wiping away the blood. She pulled away from him quickly, placing a hand against the lesion.

"What's wrong, Red?" He asked her quietly, smiling at her sadly.

She shook her head and turned her gaze to the grass.

"Wanna talk?" He asked, taking the whiskey bottle from her and setting it aside after taking a drink from it.

Willow looked up at him, wiping her eyes. She bit her lip, contemplating. Spike looked at her in shock when she started sobbing violently.

He awkwardly took her into his arms, rocking them back and forth a bit.

"I just want it to go away. . ." She whispered through her tears.

"I know, pet. I know. . ." He whispered.

He continued rocking them back and forth, her breathing calming down. She hiccupped, resting her head against his shoulder. He slowly rubbed small circles into her back, smiling as she moaned at his touch.

"Maybe we should get you inside before you catch cold, luv." He said shifting her against him, hoping she didn't notice his growing arousal to her moans.

She sniffled in response, looking up at him.

"They can't know. . ." She said quietly, her hand moving up to the wound on her neck.

"They never have to. . ." He said, smoothing her hair off her face.

He stood up slowly, pulling her with him. She held onto him, almost as though she was afraid of letting go.

They reached the house, the silence of sleep surrounding them. Spike opened the door, leading her through the sleeping girls as he walked towards the basement. Willow looked up at him questioning.

"What are we doing down here?" She asked, her voice displaying no emotion.

Spike led her over to his makeshift bed, pulling back the sheets.

"I don't want you to be alone, Willow."

She frowned, and looked at him closely. He had called her Willow. For one of the first times in her life, he had called her Willow.

She nodded, numbly sitting down. He sighed and looked over at her.

"Are you gonna be okay, luv?" He asked, sitting next to her.

She nodded again, turning away from him.

"Right then. . ." He said, his eyes narrowing a bit. "You take the bed, I'll take the floor. . ."

She looked back as he crawled off the low bed taking off his jacket and boots. Willow sighed and watched him settle against the concrete floor, using his jacket for a pillow.

"Spike. . ." She whispered, almost not being able to hear herself.

Blue eyes turned to her and he sat up.

"What's wrong, luv? I mean, aside from the obvious. . ." He said, looked up at her from his odd position on the floor.

She stood up quickly, heading for the staircase. She saw the edges of her vision cloud over and felt herself falling. She felt strong, cool arms around her before she reached the ground.

"I-I. . .this. . .I should just go. . .you don't want me here. . . " She said, babbling more to herself than to Spike.

"Piffle. . .You're the only one of the lot I can actually stand." He said, quietly into her ear, sending shivers down her spine.

They slowly sat on the cot, his arms still around her small frame. Silence surrounded them until Willow started crying.

Spike turned her around in his arms, awkwardly rubbing small circles into her back. Her hands clutched at his shirt as she sobbed violently. Spike was trying to comfort her, he really was. . .

"It's okay. . .let it out, luv." He could feel her warm tears soaking through to his shirt.

She pulled away from him, shaking her head.

"I don't know why I'm even talking. . .This. . .You don't care. . .Nobody does. . ."

"You honestly think I'd be here, sitting with you if I didn't care?"

She sniffled a bit, reaching up to wipe her nose.

"Then why do you care?"

He shrugged and looked down at her in thought.

"I guess it's because I tried to kill you a bunch of times and you still were nice to me."

"I was?" She looked up at him and sniffled again.

"Of course, luv. Now I guess the question we really should be asking is: Why are you still sitting with me. . ."

She sighed sadly and shook her head.

"I-I can't. . ."

"I know, Willow. . ." He said quietly. "I know what happened. . .Well, some of what happened. . .No one around here exactly wanted to tell me. . .Hell, they didn't even want to talk to me. . .But local talk and all that."

She looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes again.

"I-I lost control. . .It. . .I couldn't help it. . ." She said.

"We've all done it, Willow." He said, glaring at the wall in remembrance. "I know. . .You think that nobody understands what you're going through. . .I have to live with what I did every day, always. . .Just. . .thinking about it. . .It won't go away. . ."

Willow looked up at him, tears still unshed.

"Maybe that's why. . ." She said absentmindedly, allowing herself to be pulled into his embrace.

"What?" He asked, whispering into her ear.

"You and me. . .We both. . ." She shook her head, tears now falling.

"You aren't making any sense, luv."

She sat up, wiping her tears away.

"You and I. . .We both lost people we loved. . .And we went to. . .Both made some. . .Bad. . .I didn't mean to kill. . ."

He slowly pulled her back into his arms, rocking them slightly, much like how he would comfort Drusilla when they were still together.

"It's okay, Red. You never would kill anyone on your own. . .you couldn't help it, luv."

"Why are you doing this?" She asked, almost furious. "You don't care. . .No one does. . .Why won't you just lemme go. . .Let me be by myself."

He held onto her arms tightly, pushing her back so their eyes met.

"Because. . .I saw you earlier. . .That vamp was weak, you could have easily taken him. But you didn't. . .Instead, you chose death. I know what that's like, luv. And I know you're perfectly capable of offing yourself."

Willow stopped squirming in his arms.

"Spike, let go of me. . ." She said, her voice cold and deadly.

Spike lessened the pressure on her arms, bruises already forming. He sighed and released her, arching an eyebrow when she didn't move.

Willow continued to glare at the wall.

"Hey now, luv. What'd it ever do to you?" He asked, trying to incite a smile from the redhead.

Willow rolled her eyes and stood up slowly.

"Spike, just. . .don't. . .just leave me alone." She said, running up the stairs silently.

Leave her alone? Hell, since when had he begun to take orders from humans?

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Willow sighed as she turned the shower on. Cool water flowed down her back and she rested her head against the ceramic tile.

Spike had been right; she knew that now.

She gasped in pain as the lukewarm water came into contact with her forearms and legs.

She slowly looked down at the razor blade in her hand. Putting it down in the soap-dish, she slowly sat down in the blood-tinged water.

Tears fell down her cheeks and she brought her hands up to cover her face.

She never heard the door open over the sound of the falling water.

She looked up in shock as the shower curtain was pulled back and cool air hit her vulnerable form.

Spike turned the shower off, refusing to look at her.

"Willow. . ." He said quietly, kneeling down next to her. He took a shaky, unneeded breath and opened his eyes.

She shied away from his touch as he brought a hand up to cup her cheek.

"I told you to leave me alone." She said bitterly.

"I don't care. . .You could die." He said softly, sitting down on the wet tile.

"I don't care. . ." She said softly, echoing his words.

"I know you don't. . ." He said, slowly looking down at the deep cuts on her arms. "And you tried. . ."

He looked away. He didn't want her to know how much it hurt him to see her like this.

"You can't keep doing this. . ." He said, looking at the wall. It was the first time in his unlife he had been disgusted with blood.

"Why? You can't make me stop. You're not going to be around me all the time." She said, crossing her arms over her chest, new blood flowing from the wounds.

Spike noticed her discomfort.

"Willow, please look at me." He said, shifting his body towards her, staring at her.

She sighed and turned her head to him.

"What?" She asked harshly.

"I know you don't believe me. . .I don't even know why I should care. . .But I don't. . .I don't want you to die. I like you, Red. I'd miss you. . .And, bloody hell, I'm starting to sound like the poof."

She sighed, slowly trying to stand up. The amount of blood she had lost that night was making her weaker by the minute.

Spike stood up to help her, grabbing her waist as she fell backwards.

It was at this moment they both realized just how naked she was.

Spike handed her a towel off the towel rack. He turned away as Willow wrapped the towel around herself.

She cleared her throat and he turned back to her slowly.

Spike could see the bright red incisions scattering her thighs. Some were mere scratches, while others were deep, blood running out from them.

He slowly moved towards her, their eyes meeting.

"Willow, will you promise me you won't do this again?"

She shook her head.

"I can't promise anything. . ." She said, holding onto the counter for balance.

Spike slowly pulled her into his arms.

"Will you at least let me clean them so they don't get infected?" He asked into her hair.

She nodded slowly.

"Spike, they can't know. . ." She pleaded again.

He rubbed her back again, making small comforting circles.

"They won't. . .I swear to it."

She sighed, resting her head on his chest.

"Thank you. . ." She said quietly.

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He placed another piece of gauze on her wrist, taping it in place.

"You gonna be okay now Red?" He asked with a slight smile.

She nodded. She hadn't said anything since they had been in the bathroom.

"Red?" Spike asked, kneeling down in front of her.

She sighed and bit her lip, looking away from him. He shook his head and leaned back on his heels.

"Luv. . ." He started, but a sharp glare was cast his way.

"Don't. . ." She said, her voice cold.

"Fine." He said curtly, standing up.

He walked over to the small fridge in the corner, pulling out a bag of blood. He bit into the plastic, greatly annoyed with the redhead.

She watched him as he drank the life giving liquid. She bit her lip and got up to leave but his soft yet deadly voice stopped her.

"I thought I made it perfectly clear you were not to leave."

She crossed her arms over her chest, trying not to grimace.

"Yeah, you did. Why would I ever listen to you?" She asked coldly.

One minute she was walking towards the door, the next she found herself pressed up against the cold stone wall, staring down a demon.

A sharp pain in her wrist told her that he had her by the arms, and she struggled against him.

"I'll scream. . ." She whispered as he bent his head down, and she felt the ridges against her skin.

"Bonus." He said pulling back to look at her. He couldn't figure it out. The fiery redhead pressed against his body was annoying the shit out of him, yet he couldn't help but. . .There was a shadow of hatred for her, but there was something underneath that.

His eyes widened as the demon retreated inside of him.

He wanted her.

She pulled back a bit, aware of the look of huger that passed in his eyes.

"No. .." He growled at himself.

She began to scream as he leaned in towards her, his demon showing again. Her scream was muffled by his mouth on hers.

She pushed against his cold chest as she tried to deny the attraction she felt.

His cold tongue ran over her lips and she gasped, giving him entrance. She moaned and slowly wrapped her arms around his shoulders, pushing against him. He brought one hand down her back, trying to pull her closer. She pulled back, gasping for air.

"Spike. . ." She moaned, her hands at the back of his neck.

He slowly began kissing down her neck and she tilted her head to the side, giving him more access.

Willow bit her lip, pushing even closer to him. She hadn't felt like this in so long, she didn't want him to stop. Where his cool lips left her skin, he left her feeling like she was on fire. She quickly moved to kiss him again, but found herself being pushed away.

Downcast eyes refused to look at her as he stepped back.

"I'm sorry, Red. . .I-I shouldn't have forced myself on you like that."

Willow stepped towards him.

"Make me forget." She said firmly.

He looked up at her quickly.

"What?"

"Make me forget. . ." She murmured as she leaned in, forcing her lips on his.

He growled, an arm moving around her waist as he led them over to the cot. He felt her hands on his shirt, ripping it open. He barely registered the sound of buttons rolling across the floor.

Willow moaned as she felt him trying to lift her shirt about her head without breaking the kiss.

"Bugger it." He said, pulling away from her reluctantly.

She moaned again as she felt his cool skin against hers as they kissed. He slowly lowered her onto the bed, shifting against her.

She pouted, pulling away from him slightly, her hands trying to undo his belt. He smirked at her, his hands steadying hers. She quickly pulled his belt out of the pants, throwing it aside.

He slowly began kissing her again, his hands moving down her sides, barely touching her breasts. She arched her back, her mouth leaving his for a short time.

She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply. He smiled a bit, kissing along her jaw line.

He continued his path down her neck and down her chest. She moaned as he took silk-covered nipple in his mouth. Her hand soon found the back of his neck as she tried to keep his head there. He smiled a bit, rolling the bud in his teeth before turning his attention to the other breast.

She arched into him and he laughed. It was a deep, throaty sound that made her ache for him.

Her hands moved hungrily down his chest, quickly undoing his jeans.

Spike moaned as he felt her warm hand encompass his length. He bucked into her hand and Willow smiled. She slowly pushed his pants over his hips and watched in satisfaction as he kicked them off.

His hands roughly jostled her pants off of her legs. He looked up at her from his position at her ankles and smiled. A dark red bra encased her breasts and she was wearing matching underwear.

His hands moved up her bare legs to rest on the elastic band, and he slowly pulled them off. Her arousal was thick in the air and he took an unneeded breath, reveling in the scent.

Spike slowly kissed up her legs, and his hands rested on her inner thighs. Looking up at Willow, he saw the need in her eyes and he pushed her legs open.

Willow moaned as she felt his cool tongue on her core. He slowly kissed her clit and she felt two fingers being pushed into her.

Her breathing began to quicken and Spike knew her release was close. He reluctantly pulled away from her and she looked up at him.

"Please Spike. . ." She pleaded.

He slowly straddled her body and leaned down, kissing her. Her hands tangled in his hair and she pulled back, her eyes closed.

He positioned his cock at her entrance and she opened her eyes.

"Please. . ." She moaned. "I need you. . ."

He moved forward slowly and moaned as he felt her warmth surround him.

He slowly began to thrust into her and she began to match his rhythm. He leaned forward and kissed her again, moving his mouth slowly down her neck.

Spike licked her pulse point before sinking his fangs into her neck. Willow screamed into the pillow as her orgasm took her. He drank deep from her.

Spike moaned as he felt her muscles tighten around him and he released his cool seed into her.

Slowly pulling out of her, Spike took Willow into his arms. He licked over the wound he had left on her neck and she moaned.

"Sleep Willow. . ." He said quietly.

Closing her eyes, she thanked him before falling into the first sound sleep since Tara's death.

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Willow sighed as she looked up at Spike. Blue eyes found hers and she smiled a bit.

"Morning, luv." He smiled at her.

"Morning." She said, yawning.

She slowly got out of the bed and stood up, stretching her muscles that had cramped in the night.

"Thank you, Willow." He said, propping himself up on his elbow.

She looked down at him and smiled.

"Thank you, William."

Turning her back, she began walking up the stairs. She wanted nothing more than to run back into his arms and stay there the rest of the day.

But she couldn't.

She sighed as she reached out for the doorknob, preparing herself for the day ahead.

Another day of lying to the people who claimed to be her friends, another day of living with what she had done.

She took one last glance at the man who would be waiting for her. Always waiting.

She smiled to herself as she opened the door.

And she would always return to him.


End file.
